Cancer has teached me, to be patient, to be happy, to fight, to appreciate, to accept, to love, to live but also that you cannot control life, there is no point in winding yourself up over things.  Pretty much everything happens for a reason, and there is no point in trying to change your own ‘route’ . 

Ever since this journey -yes I actually see me having cancer as a journey-  started, I’ve tried staying my strongest, being the most positive I can be. Because I think this is a big influence on my body’s health, and aside from that, cancer brought me so many positives in life also. But Lately, with all the recent things happening, I’ve noticed this change in me, I’ve noticed a built up in anger, and frustration. And yesterday has been the biggest confrontation with myself in a long time.  

As I got results of my most recent scans and bladder exams, unfortunately there was something found in the bladder again that they are not sure of what it is. It could be a number of things, one of them being the reoccurrence of cancer. Of course this is really scary. But this is not why I got so angry. It was about having to adjust and give up my plans again for this disease. It is out of my control and I will just have to accept and move forward in a new way for now. I know it seems silly thing to get angry about but it happend anyway. But I’ve decided that it’s time to stay true to my own hashtags! ;) #wontgetmydownthiseasy #stillkickingcancersass 

So my South African surf instructor course adventure/ volunteering will just have a wait a little longer for me. Soon enough I will hop on that airplane again and jet off to my sandy lifestyle next to the beach. I have a few really big dreams, some of you out there know about them, they involve risk and a lot of willpower and unfortunately for my friends, also involve spending a lot of time abroad. Two different friends, very close to me, said to me lately, maybe you need to make smaller dreams for now, maybe you need to set a smaller goal. And even though I understand this comment and I see the reasoning behind it, it infuriates me. 

Because  I refuse. I refuse to make my dreams smaller, I refuse to set myself lower standards because I’m ‘sick’. I refuse to be captivated by fear. Fear is never something I want to make my decisions on, ever. 

Yes, this ‘ problem’ I faced in Bali was horrible, and it happened twice. And I hate that I now discovered it might be something worse than we originally expected. But I do not regret a single moment staying in bali after that first time, and not acting upon that fear of it coming back, even though it did. Because if I had gone home, I would have missed all these really precious moments that will now stay with me forever. And even though I had to go through this immense amount of pain again, I got through it and if it had happened at home, I would have had to do the same. I hate that it hurts the people around me so much to see me go through the bad times. I wish they did not have to, I wish they could sometimes see it the way I do, so they don’t feel so scared or worried.  But don’t forget, I go through them too, it’s me that has to feel the crazy pain, it’s me that have to have all the needles get stuck in me, it’s me that have to deal with walking around a surf camp with a bladder catheter, it’s me that have to drink nasty meds every day, or find a way to handle the daily stomach cramps, feel the pain when I see a little baby knowing I might not able to ever have one again, and it’s me that has cancer. So, if I can deal with these and a million more nasty things, if I can handle having that uncertainty going abroad, than that’s my decision.

Most of my dreams involve that aspect of being abroad, and this is not me running away from home, this is not me trying to leave everything behind, and of course I miss all my family and friends. But this is me. What I want from life right now, I will not find here. I need the heat, the ‘ non western/non european’ mentality, a slower pace of life. I know some people disagree with this, and say you can find this too right here at home, but for me, for me!!, it isn't. I just don’t feel it as much here. So please, let me chase my dreams, let me go. I will always come back. Right now I need to be healthy, live outside as much as I can, and I need to have all those nice random chats with strangers, watch amazing sunsets, drive around bali middle of the night just to feel the wind in my hair, see little moroccan girls play in small winding moroccan streets, laugh at goats climbing trees, dance the night away underneath the stars while feeling that bass buzzing through your body, be outside all day, surf so many hours that I forget to eat or drink just because the waves are so perfect, talk for hours with local friends underneath the stars, have candlelight jam sessions with friends on a roofterras, sit in little asian cafe’s on rainy days, eating nasi goreng for the 7th time a week and still loving it, have that feeling of sand between your toes, killing time at strange airports with eating very overpriced chocolate, finding awesome small shops that sell the most amazing rings, getting food poisoning from that street-stall but the food was totally worth it ( don't worry, aside from nasi goreng, overpriced chocolate and dodgy street food, I do eat healthy. sometimes;) ) and the list goes on an on. I get that these are  ‘temporarily’ aspects of being abroad, and are aspects of traveling. But whilst i’m working on-and towards a more permanent lifestyle out there, I’d like to make the most of my life right now. Again, i’m not saying that staying at home or choosing something completely different is not right either! But this is the way I like to spend mine.  So I don’t care I work in a surf camp maybe not earning the most, or doing some shitty weird job just to earn some extra pennies. Because in the end, I don’t care what job I do, as long as I am happy.  And that is what this lifestyle does. Along with allowing me to focus on my dreams, whilst actually living part of the dream! 

So when I say I feel more angry and frustrated lately, I need to realise, you know what, actually you have so much to be grateful for, experienced so many amazing things already.  I'm truly blessed with the life I get to live. All of it, with cancer in it. So all I need, is to be a little patient. 

Desires, Hopes, dreams are different to everyone. If you are happy and content with where you are, great! But if you are not happy with where you are in life, then move. No one is stopping you but yourself. Don’t tell me it’s complicated, because it’s not, it's actually really simple. People just tend to see many obstacles on the road. But don’t judge me for choosing to try not to let them stop me. Because I never said it is not scary, it really is. But I refuse to let fear lead me in this life.

So friends, I guess I'll be sticking around NL a little longer this time. lets meet! 

#whencancergetsudownugetthefuckbackup . amen :)